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You May Be a Talibani… July 3, 2010

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Humor, Religion & Theology.
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From an Internet parody of the “you might be a redneck” jokes of Jeff Foxworthy, a quick selection of ways to tell. You may be a Talibani if:

  • You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
  • You own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
  • You have more wives than teeth.
  • You have never in your life washed your beard, and you wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but you consider bacon “unclean.”
  • You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
  • You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against.
  • You consider television dangerous, but you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
  • You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
  • You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
  • You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Here are a few more indications that did not come from the original Internet parody. You may be a Talibani if:

  • You would sell your seven-year-old daughter into marriage with a 50-year-old, but you would murder your seven-year-old daughter if she were raped by a 50-year-old, out of shame for her promiscuity.
  • You use unspeakable pornography on the Internet to hide the coded information you pass on to your Talibani co-conspirators.
  • You bathe at least once a year whether you need to or not.
  • You’ve been heard to say, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
  • You love Z.Z. Top’s beards, but would kill anyone who listened to their music.
  • You’ve spent at least seven years of your life memorizing the Qur’an in medieval Arabic, even though you don’t even speak modern Arabic.
  • You’re sure your mother would love you more if you blew yourself and dozens of innocent strangers to smithereens.
  • You safeguard the honor of your female property by throwing acid in their faces.
  • You only hang a man for being gay after you rape him.
  • You have an insane hatred for Jews, even though you’ve never met or even seen one. Ditto for Americans.
  • You have a moral objection to strip clubs, prostitution, or unmarried sex — unless you’re planning to commit suicide the next day, in which case they’re just fine.
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