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A Dictionary of Tea Party Terminology October 21, 2010

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Politics.

Most of our civil discourse has degenerated into lies, smears, and endless reiteration of Republican/Tea Party talking points, whether or not they contain even the tiniest shred of factuality or relevance to the problems of the United States. This little dictionary may help you decode.

A sinister organization that worked to undermine democracy and end individual liberty through such nefarious tactics as teaching poor people their rights, helping them register to vote, and being nice to white bigots wearing ridiculously obvious “disguises.”
Ayn Rand:
Her worship of capitalism proves that “prosperity theology” (“God wants you to be a wealthy GOP ‘have-more’ ”) is correct, and her Objectivism is obviously correct, since it’s another way of saying “fair and balanced.” A saint, whose novels rival the Bible in their holiness and factuality.
America, the real America, Americans:
Overweight white conservatives, usually older, usually male, usually comfortably off (middle class or better, roughly half of whom pay no income taxes whatsoever) who live well away from either coast of the continental United States. (Hawaii has yet to provide satisfactory proof that it is a state.) Real Americans love Fox News, guns, and murdering abortion providers, gay men, and brown people.
Class warfare:
Expecting the filthy rich (the top 2 percent, who own 84 percent of the nation) to pay their fair share for roads, schools, health, defense, Social Security, public libraries, police, EMTs, emergency rooms, etc., etc.
Communism, Communist:
Any program, especially any government program, that exists to help poor people.
Condescending know-it-all:
Someone who has taken and passed an 8th-grade civics class.
A document, superseded in its holiness only by the Bible, that defines, defends, and justifies any right-wing action or position, no matter how extreme, and excludes any liberal, progressive, or socially conscientious action or position, no matter how well supported by the actual Constitution. Thus, torture is NOT “cruel and unusual punishment,” but rather “enhanced interrogation,” while trying to lower the costs of health care in the United States is “unconstitutional.”
1) recital of Rove-ap­proved GOP talking points that are at best only tangentially related to the question that was asked; 2) baseless ad hominem smears on one’s opponent.
Anyone who values being educated and well informed.
Unintelligible gibberings in the only language spoken by most Tea Bigots, rather than the unintelligible gibberings of those filthy foreigners, who probably snuck into the United States to “drop” their babies like foals, then educate the resulting American citizens to be terrorists. For example, the sign shown at right demanding that everyone “respect are country” by speaking “English.” It is vitally important that only language approved by such leading scholars and ety­mol­ogists as Sarah Palin be used; if you care about spelling, grammar, and syntax, you’re an elitist (q.v.).
Fair and balanced:
Biased in favor of hyperpartisan Republicanism.
Fair price:
The price at which a buyer is willing to buy and a seller is willing to sell is the ONLY criterion defining fairness. If this includes selling water during a drought at $100 a gallon, well, that’s the free market for you. The government has no business interfering in scalping, blackmail, or white-collar theft such as Ponzi schemes. If 8-year-olds have to work 12-hour days in factories or coal mines to keep prices low, well, that’s the price of freedom (q.v.).
Any action, statement, or opinion that does not agree with an ultra-right-wing perspective, was not approved by democratically elected Republican lawmakers, and was not signed into law by a democratically elected Republican President. This definition provides the proof that President Obama is, in fact, Hitler.
Fiscal responsibility:
Exempting the top 2 percent from as much taxation as possible, usually by abolishing the income tax altogether and adopting a national sales tax of 17 to 23 percent. Such a “fiscally responsible” strategy would increase the tax burden on the lower income tax brackets dramatically, while decreasing the tax burden on the topmost brackets even more dramatically.
   1) The right of an individual, autonomous adult to live his or her own life without government interference, provided the adult in question does not want to make her own medical decisions (rape victims, for example) or enter into legal contracts with other autonomous citizens that are disapproved by the far-right (gay marriage, for example). In cases where freedom conflicts with the theology of Christian fundamentalists, theology supersedes freedom.
   2) The freedom of the rich and powerful — George W. Bush’s “have-mores” — to control, crush, and humiliate the less-rich and less-powerful.
   The fact is, freedom is zero-sum: The freer that such GOP “have-mores” as the Koch brothers and Rupert Murdoch are to make choices and to define the public debate, the less free are everyone else. Ultimately, this is the freedom of the wealthy to roll back environmental legislation that might reduce their profits slightly, the freedom of wealthy Republican corporations to spend unlimited money in secret to defeat Democratic candidates for public office, and the freedom of large corporations to write their own legislation and to suborn their own members of the Supreme Court.
Global warming, a.k.a. global climate change:
A fiction devised to enable socialists, Marxists, Commies, and other progressives to enable out-of-control government spending.

Government, big, takeover by:
Like ACORN, the federal government is a sinister organi­zation that secretly aims to enslave all Americans by depriving them of virtually all of their hard-earned money — at least 91 percent of it — and spending it on roads, schools, meat inspectors, airline safety, public libraries, public health, and similar evil, evil programs. And for God’s sake keep the government’s hands off of Social Security and Medicare, because those programs are all that stand between Grandma and homeless despair.
Higher taxes:
Lower taxes, except on the top 2 percent. Assuming the Bush tax cuts are allowed to expire, the top 2 percent will return to the same level of taxation they remained wealthy by paying in 2000. (In point of FACT, between 1940 and 1972 the top tax bracket ranged between 72 and 93 percent, more than twice the level of taxation that is today eliciting shrieks of “class warfare!” (q.v.). In point of FACT, taxes are lower today, on everyone, than they have been since 1950.) See also, Taxes.
What is in store for Barack Obama if and when Republicans regain control of the House of Representatives. Mr. Obama’s true offense, being Black While President, may not be mentioned, of course, so the House will conduct endless investigations, as it did between 1994 and its impeachment of President Clinton for being Horndog While President.
A mysterious country, much like Mordor, where monsters roam freely and plot to take over the U.S. government by fathering American children and then disappearing from their children’s lives.
Lamestream media:
A synonym for “mainstream media,” q.v.
Anyone who has the nerve to disagree with the Rove-ap­proved Tea Party Line and the effrontery to produce facts and logical arguments to bolster said disagreement.
Liberal bias, displaying:
Being informed on current events.
Liberal media:
Any source of news or information that is not Fox News or hate radio.
Mainstream media:
Like ACORN and the government, the mainstream media is a nefarious cabal that meets in badly lit dens, reeking with illegal drugs, to deliberately play down conservative ideas and promote liberal ones by using evil stratagems like “journalism” and “objectivity.” Fox News, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, and a select few others eschew these tools and are safely above the conspiracy.
The evil program through which an out-of-control big government, the lamestream media, and socialist Marxist Communist progressives will take over the country and turn it into an evil, filthy place like Europe, where people have access to health care even if they can’t afford it.
The Ayn Rand definition of objectivism posits that reality exists apart from consciousness, that reason and logic are appropriate responses to reality, that there is no God, and that the proper pursuit of humanity is rational self-interest. In the Tea Party “real” America, “objectivism” is a synonym for “being fair and balanced.”
Out-of-control government spending:
Any budget that does not conceal the costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan by calling them “emergency spending.”
Patriot, patriotic:
Any real American who supports all war, supports torture and Republican-government spying on American citizens, and supports Republicans who commit treason (as by the “outing” of an undercover CIA agent during a time of war), and who decries all attempts to provide social justice — for example, unemployment benefits, health care, reining in big banks and big corporations, etc. — even when said patriot is a beneficiary of such evil, fascist, out-of-control programs.
Rammed through, health care reform:
A process of consultation with Re­pub­li­cans, negotiation with Republicans, caving in to Republican demands and calling it “compromise,” and finally overcoming Republican obstruc­tion when it finally became clear that reform would happen even over Republicans’ dead bodies. (I only wish!) This process of “ramming” took approximately a year to complete.
Second-Amendment solutions:
Armed insurrection against any democratically elected public official whom the Tea Party did not wish to win.
Socialist, communist, Marxist, liberal, progressive:
1) Whatever Glenn Beck says the word means that day; 2) Neither Republican nor approved by the Tea Party.
Taking our country back:
Compelling 21st-century America to become a cross between 1950s America and 1840s America (pre-evolution). All women are barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen, completely dependent on their husbands; all people of color are powerless, servile, and confined to menial jobs; Ronald Reagan, returned from the dead, has defeated all evil empires (Communist, Islamic, ACORN-ic); no one who makes more than $50,000 a year has to pay taxes in any form; and all dissenters, like those evil liberals and progressives, are compelled to live in “free speech zones,” like the Georgia United Liberty Appreciation Group.
An evil system of control used to pay for evil, fascist programs like police forces, the army, street lighting, roads, schools, food inspectors, public libraries, airline safety, border defense, etc. Thus, all taxes exist only to help the government, the mainstream media, and progressives / liberals / socialists / commies leach all of real Americans’ money away from then and spend it on waste, fraud, and corruption, thus turning America evil evil evil evil evil.
Any government intrusion into the marketplace, as by forbidding usury or imposing regulations on airline safety, food quality and safety, or any other market forces.


1. Cozella - October 22, 2010


2. Yoli - October 25, 2010

LOL! Wait a minute, why am I laughing?

3. GOP Dictionary « Half Wisdom, Half Wit - June 10, 2011

[…] If I have forgotten or overlooked a GOP code-word or code-phrase, please drop me a line. I plan to update these definitions regularly. You might also enjoy A Dictionary of Tea Party Terminology. […]

4. Theodore C. Biele - August 6, 2013

I approve of all of the non-sensical hosshit heretofore printed!

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