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Republicans Stewing over “Flavor of the Month” February 12, 2012

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Politics.
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On the February 10 edition of “Real Time with Bill Maher,” Al Sharpton talked about the Republican “flavor of the month,” the “anyone but Romney” factor. “It doesn’t matter whether Santorum or any other ‘flavor of the month’ ” is currently ahead of Romney, said Sharpton. “With any flavor, the more you keep stirring it, it changes the taste. The party is becoming so distasteful, it’s gone so far to the right, whoever is the GOP nominee is going to be so far to the right, so bad-tasting to Americans, it doesn’t matter.”

Sharpton has an excellent point. Consider these Republican candidates for president over the last eight months:

  • Donald Trump. Unofficial frontrunner, April 2011. Withdrew from race, May 2011; a week later he said he “hadn’t ruled out” running, especially if called as savior at a brokered convention. Michele Bachmann hopes he will be our next Vice President. Believes we should tax the wealthy a maximum of 14.25 percent once, in 2013, and then never again. Endive.
  • Tim Pawlenty. Frontrunner, never. Withdrew from race, August 2011. Strongly against allowing union members to fight for their civil rights. Paprika.
  • Herman Cain. Frontrunner, September 2011. Suspended campaign, December 2011. Like all other GOP candidates, prefers to suck up to the very, very wealthy (well, the GOP wealthy) and tax the 99 percent. Coined the phrase “sleeping sharia.” Garlic.
  • Jon Huntsman. Frontrunner, never. Proof of his evil: He worked for the Obama administration as ambassador to China, and can speak Chinese. Further proof: significantly more intelligent than other GOP candidates. Withdrew from race, January 2012. Chinese mustard.
  • Michele Bachmann. Frontrunner, July 2011. Withdrew from race, January 2012. Still promising that as president she would refuse to pay debts incurred by the GOP between 2000 and 2009, which would lead to a worldwide Great Depression II. May have lost support over fellow fundamentalists’ certainty that as a good fundamentalist, President Bachmann should “submit graciously” to the rule of “First Laddy” Marcus Bachmann. Wasabi.
  • Rick Perry. Frontrunner, August 2011. Withdrew from race, January 2012. Firmly against being compared with any other unintelligent, inarticulate governors of Texas who ran for president. Especially by Molly Ivins. Boiled okra.
  • Gary Johnson. Withdrew from race as Republican, December 2011; continuing to seek the nomination of the Libertarian Party. Supports slashing taxes on the wealthy while dismantling Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, FEMA, HHS, and any other aid to the 99 percent. Collard greens.
  • Ron Paul. Frontrunner, never; he’s only running to compel the Republicans to adopt his whackjob libertarian views. Best comment: Calling Ronald Reagan a “dramatic failure” because Reagan had doubled the national debt, a feat that George H.W. Bush would turn into a tripling of the national debt, while George W. Bush turned it into a SEXTUPLING of the national debt. Jalapeño.
  • Newt Gingrich. Frontrunner, late November 2011. Ethics-challenged since 1943, especially when it comes to broken oaths. Onion.
  • Rick Santorum. Frontrunner, February 2012. Theocrat who firmly believes that there should be no separation of church and state and that “Christian” fundamentalists should impose their religious doctrines on those who do not share them. Limburger.
  • Mitt Romney. Alleged frontrunner, with only 72 percent of Republicans wishing for someone else. “A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hi, Mitt.’ ” Anchovies.
  • Let’s add one more who is not officially a candidate, but who signaled in a speech on February 11 that “the door is open” if anyone wants to nominate her at a brokered convention: Sarah Palin. By far the most popular among the 12, especially among the Tea Puppets, she can still see Russia from her front porch (on the rare occasions when she is not seeking national attention). Dandelion greens.

So; the nation’s Republicans are being offered a stew that formerly contained endive, paprika, garlic, Chinese mustard, wasabi, and boiled okra, with collard greens on the side. The remaining stew comprises jalapeño, onion, limburger, and anchovies — with collard greens and dandelion greens, as well as frequent commentary from wasabi and garlic, still affecting the stew’s current taste. Yum yum!

A few days ago, a Twitter-friend commented that after their coming shellacking this November, the Republicans are going to be forced to end their campaign to return America to the 19th-century robber barons and become liberal enough to enter the 20th century.

I disagree. I think that if a tsunami of Citizens United lies and smears fails to restore the “robber buffoons” to power (and it may well succeed, the Koch brothers alone having promised half a billion dollars to defeat democracy), the Republican Party is going to move so far to the right they’ll fall off the flat Earth.

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