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Joke: Why He’s NOT Called Fence-Builder February 18, 2012

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Jokes.
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A few days ago, I saw a video of Paul McCartney telling a version of this joke, but the punch line was mumbled. I listened to the joke three times, and am STILL not sure I got the punch line right. But this version of the joke made my husband laugh out loud; so here it is.

A hiker on the moors of England spotted a tavern at the top of a hill, and made for it. When the hiker entered, he saw that the tavern was empty, except for the bartender. The hiker ordered a Guinness, introduced himself, and asked what the barkeep was called.

“Did you notice the fence on the path up here?” asked the bartender.

“I did,” the hiker said. “It’s a fine, straight fence and very well made. It led me up here, in fact.”

“I built that fence, every foot of it,” the bartender said. “But do they call me Frank the Fence-Builder? No, they do not. . . . What do you think about this bar?”

“I’ve been admiring it,” said the hiker. “It looks like one unbroken slab of mahogany.”

“That it is,” said the bartender. “I made this bar with my own hands. But do they call me Brown the Bar-Builder? No, they do not. . . . What do you think about the way I pulled your pint?”

“You did a great job,” said the hiker. “Not too much of a head, not too little. I’d say it was perfectly poured. But I guess they don’t call you Frank the Ale-Puller?”

“No, they do not,” said the bartender sadly. “But let me tell you, you f—k just one measly goat. . . .”

Take Me to Your Leader June 4, 2010

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Humor, Jokes.
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the gas pump’s lack of response. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again there was no response.

Angered by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, the younger alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned the younger, saying, “You don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make the Earthling mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared toward them, blew the younger alien off his feet, and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When the young alien finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antennae, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking her big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on her crispy friend, and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s that you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis under his ass and then stick it in his ear.”

The Perfect Dress April 7, 2010

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Humor, Jokes.
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Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ nasty divorce.

Her mother, Maude, had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride in history.

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, beautiful “trophy” wife had bought the same dress as her mother, only in size 0.

Jennifer asked Barbie to exchange her dress, and explained why. Barbie refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer wondered whether Barbie had found out what dress Maude planned to wear and deliberately gone out to buy the same dress out of sheer spite.

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, ”Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for Maude.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Maude just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear! . . . I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates April 1, 2010

Posted by Mary W. Matthews in Humor, Jokes.
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A cowboy appeared at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Well, this is unexpected, young man. I’ll need to check my books.” (Well, this being the modern age, maybe he checked his uplink!)

“I don’t see anything in your record that’s very exciting one way or the other,” St. Peter finally said. “Can you think of anything you’ve done that might tip the balance?”

“Well, there was this girl,” the cowboy said. “She’d somehow gotten herself among a real rough bunch, like Hell’s Angels only meaner, and they meant her no good. Plannin’ to gang-rape her, it looked like to me. So I went runnin’ in, yellin’ Y’all git your filthy paws off’n that girl!’, and I kicked over the ringleader’s motorcycle, and I punched him in the gut, and I ripped the earring right out’n his nostril.”

“Wow, that IS impressive,” St. Peter said. “When did all this happen?”

“About two minutes ago.”